Devon and John made their way back to the bar for a much needed drink. The bizarre fight with Stin had taken a lot out of both of them. Devon thought to himself that he might never get the Spider Man Chocolate Rain music out of his head.
They both knew something was wrong the moment they stepped into the bar. The jukebox was playing a mash up of Alanis Morrisette and Bryan Adams called “You Outta Run to You”. Everyone had a pleasant and docile look on their faces. There was a vague scent of maple syrup in the air. They froze in their tracks as the both reached the same conclusion. The next group of challengers for dominance of the forums was here: The Canadians!
Devon and Jon quickly turned back to back so as to get a full survey of the room. The CD in the jukebox skipped mid-chorus (Cause I’m here, to run to you!) and suddenly, two spindly figures dropped from the rafters and were on Devon like O’Canada at a Canucks game.
“You’ve met your match this time eh!” Said one of the figures. “This is no robotic comic creator you face now Devon. We are Canadians and besides having massive national self-image problems, we kick ass!”
Jon recognized the pair “Wait you guys are Brian and Zach Attack. You don’t have like 30 posts on the forums between you. Lame!”
The second figure spoke “We may not have many posts but we have Canada Power!”
Jon thought he heard the other figure mutter something while the first one was speaking. “Wait what the hell are you mumbling?”
“Oh, well by law all of our dialogue has to be repeated in French. Quebec you know eh?”
Devon began shaking with rage “Not French! I hate French! Davon Smash!”
With that outburst, Devon grabbed Brian by the flannel shirt and smashed his French mumbling body into Zach Attack (who was also wearing flannel). The last words Zach spoke were “What’s all this abutt?” before he and Brian exploded in a Devon created mash of flesh and bone.
Standing among the bloody wreckage, Jon and Devon scanned the room for any more Canadian upstarts. A voice came over the loudspeakers that seemed perfectly suited for radio “Ha ha Suarez, you may have defeated those two but can you and your death dealing minion survive this?”
Entering the bar was a man in a Kingdom Come T-Shirt. It looked like he had not changed the Kingdom Come shirt in a long time.
“I am the Bradguy eh? And I came to take you down Kopec!”
With that he hurled himself at Devon and the two became a spinning sphere of fists and teeth in the middle of the bar. Neither combatant seemed to be able to gain the upper hand until Jon shouted something to his buddy Devon
“Devon! Remember his weakness! He likes Smallville!”
Both combatants froze for a moment and stared at each other. Devon asked “Really? Smallville?”
“Yeah this season has been awesome eh?”
Devon’s body began to shake with rage until it seemed his eyes would explode out of his face “I HATE SMALLVILLE! DEVON SMASH!”
With that he grabbed The Brad Guy by his torn T-Shirt and spun him around over his head. Devon spun him faster and faster until the sound of the wind being created was deafening. The Brad Guy was spinning so fast that he began to rise up on the fierce air currents. At this point Devon raised his leg over his head and administered the Jersey Kick of Awesomeness maneuver, a kick so hard that no one had ever survived it before. The Brad Guy was no exception. Upon impact, he exploded with the fury of an over-microwaved bottle of Aunt Jemimah. Devon stood covered in maple syrup and Canadian guts.
The eerie silence was broken from a crackle over the loudspeaker. “Well it appears I will have to take matters into my own hands! Suarez this time you are going down! This time you face me! Jon Cayen!”
With that the loudspeaker cut off and out from behind the bar stepped Fastfood. “I told you they were the same person!” Shouted Jon. Fastfood whipped out a pair of nunchucks made from hardened movie posters of films no one really wanted to watch. He spun them with the skill of a Canadian Ninja which, it turns out, is not that well at all. After hitting himself a few times in the head, he ran back behind the bar.
Jon ordered Devon to pursue and Devon hoped over the bar. There cowering in the corner was Psyclopssuxx5420. Devon thought to himself “I always thought Jon Cayen was that guy”
Psyclopssuxx5420 spat out a ton of obscenities tinged with an adorable Canadian accent which made even Jon Suarez smile some. Devon reached down and grabbed the sniveling Canadian by the arm and promptly flung him through the front window of the bar. When the sound of the breaking glass subsided, a figure rose among the rubble and dusted itself off. It was at last, Jon Cayen in his true identity.
“I will show you what I do to people who don’t let me guest on their podcast Suarez!”
With that he hurled himself through the glassless window at Devon. His body impacted Devon on the chest, hardly fazing the Jersey Death Dealer. Falling to the ground, Cayen tried kicking, clawing and punching Devon all about his body. None of his blows seemed to bother Devon in the least. Devon gave Jon a look and with a knowing grin, Jon nodded. Devon raised his fist above his body and whispered “Devon Smash.” Before bringing the fist down upon Cayen’s head. The force of the blow sent Cayen through the floorboards into the basement below. From the sound of crushing bones and the scent of Canadian whiskey, Devon and Jon knew their opponent was vanquished.
“That was blatantly a terrible attempt.” Jon mused, “I think the British forum members would put up a better fight”
“Yeah or the California guys” responded Devon
“What Charles and Tony?” said Jon “Are you serious?”
“Don’t forget Stormy”
“Stormy who?”
With that Devon and Jon headed back to Jon’s car for yet another T-Shirt. The forums remained under Jon’s iron rule. For now…
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